Sharing Your Story: The Fear of Victimhood

I’ve worked with women on their stories for a few years and when it comes to sharing their stories, I’ve heard this statement shared countless of times:

“I don’t want it to come across as a sob story. I don’t want to be the “victim”.”

I really hear and honor this question as there is so much vulnerability in sharing your truth. There is a fear of being pitied, to not feel as “strong” or “capable” in the eyes of others (or even in your own eyes), and rightfully so. We live in a society that celebrates the machismo version of our stories: stoic, armored, and intense.

We are inundated with stories of rags to riches, slaying dragons , and finding “success” on top even if if the “hero” has to lie, force, or play pretend. Therefore, I understand the fear of sharing a story that doesn’t climb up, defeat demons, and push through in the same way. It is truly an act of rebellion when we choose to share stories that include vulnerability, softness, and slowness.

And though we cannot change the fabric of our society overnight, we can start shifting the stories we tell ourselves about our own challenges, hardships, and vulnerabilities. This is where we can start sitting with the realities of our own lives and questioning the stories we’ve told ourselves. Where we can start understanding the moments where we’ve victimized ourselves, given up our power, and allowed us to believe we are “lesser than” for sharing emotions, tenderness, and vulnerabilities.

Now, this introspective journey in which you peel back the layers can bring up some stuff. The point isn’t to blame or shame yourself for feeling like a victim or weak at any point — that doesn’t help. Rather, the work here  is to diminish the negative charge or clear the dark cloud above you that keeps you stuck. It’s where we can see vulnerability not in a dark light, but also positive. Where strength isn’t only measured by brute force, but also seen as soft and flexible. 

This process of rewriting your story isn’t linear. I can’t offer a series of steps to check off, so instead, I will leave you with a few questions to consider:

 “What parts of me still feel like a victim? What is my relationship with feeling ‘weak’ and ‘vulnerable’? What is actually true in this scenario? And what parts of these deeply vulnerable pieces still need love and compassion from me? Have I held her? Have I allowed myself to fully see her (the part that felt like a victim)? Have I provided myself with safety so there is space for what needs to come through on the other side?”

With a challenge or hardship there is always another side of the story that goes beyond victimhood, but we need to be able to give that other side of the story space and love. Are there ways you can see how the darkness brought light or how the pain served as an opening for something better, wiser, truer to come through?

There’s always more to your story than victimhood - but what has been your own process of coming to terms with where you are at? This process is on-going but it allows you to see your truth for all that it is.  And it may be complex. You may feel like a victim at times, but you may also feel really powerful. You may feel like you’ve gotten over the situation, yet it still may hurt.  All of it is allowed. All of it is welcome.

And when you can be embodied in your process with your story - including the edgy parts - you can share your story with more confidence as you can see your journey with multi-dimensional, deep, nuanced truth. When you own your unique process, you are less likely to project the need for validation and safety from others. The opinions of others start to matter less because in the end, you know your truth and your story. 

-Akansha